How to deal with your ex boyfriend dating your friend

Content
  • So your friend just started dating your ex. Here’s how to deal
  • Dating Your Friend’s Ex
  • When Is It OK To Date My Friend’s Ex?
  • You’re Not a Bad Person for Wanting to Date Your Friend’s Ex, But You Need to Do It Right
  • 7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend’s Ex
  • I’m dating my best friend’s ex and she won’t speak to me

Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never date a friend’s ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it’s wrong, disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they’d never talk to that person again. They believe this is something everybody knows, that they’re just following the rules. What I’ve noticed, though, is that every person I’ve heard espouse this worldview was straight. This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities.

So your friend just started dating your ex. Here’s how to deal

Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never date a friend’s ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it’s wrong, disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they’d never talk to that person again. They believe this is something everybody knows, that they’re just following the rules. What I’ve noticed, though, is that every person I’ve heard espouse this worldview was straight.

This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities. If you’re gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend’s ex at some point. Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you’ve found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life. It’s difficult to meet people you’re romantically interested in beyond an already-defined circle, and outside of your city’s queer scene, most people you run into are likely to be straight.

Even if you meet someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a minute conversation almost always reveals that she went to high school with your college roommate, used to be on a volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-month stand with your favorite barista. Queers don’t tend to expect our dates to come into our lives completely free of prior complication.

We know our backstories will be tangled and intertwined. I can count the degrees of hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and usually come up with no more than two or three. In fact, when we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got together, and three years later the same friend gave one of the readings at our wedding.

Whether you’re gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a friend’s ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your friendship — you just have to follow a few simple guidelines. Don’t gossip. It’s common to assume that anything shared with you is by default shared with your partner as well; however, your friend might be much less comfortable speaking to you in confidence if she thought the details of her personal life were going to be relayed to someone who used to share her toothbrush.

I’m going to use female pronouns for your friend, and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of simplicity; however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of the participants. Keep your friend’s secrets. The reverse is also true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the details of his current sex life. Save it for your diary or for anyone who didn’t date him. Don’t trash talk.

It’s OK to come to your partner for advice if you’re arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but absolutely resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the other. This can be extremely tempting if they ended on bad terms and you know you’ll find a sympathetic ear. However, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them, it’s crucial that you never seem even a little like you’re taking sides in their breakup or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years after the fact.

If you need to vent about one of them, find a neutral party. Respect boundaries without making assumptions. For instance, if your friend doesn’t want to go to parties where her ex will be in attendance, don’t pressure her. But don’t assume she doesn’t want an invite if you haven’t asked! In general, allow your friend and your sweetheart to decide how much contact they want with each other, and don’t push them to associate if they’re not into it. Remember that you can love them both without them necessarily having to enjoy each other.

This goes for friends and partners who haven’t dated, too, now that I think of it. Set aside time for each of them and honor it — don’t drag your lover along on girls’ night out not even if your lover is a lady; queer chicks are so bad about this , and don’t invite your friend to what was supposed to be a romantic dinner at home. No comparisons.

Don’t do this ever, but especially not if his last girlfriend is the person you’re going rock climbing with Sunday. No matter what his answer is, it’s going to make things weird. Besides, comparing yourself to anybody — even if you come out ahead — is always going to lead to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where you stand relative to someone else is Not Healthy.

So don’t seek out comparisons, and if your dude brings up the topic, tell him you’re not interested in hearing it. You and your friend are not in competition, except when you’re actually playing Scrabble. Don’t be paranoid. Don’t try to keep your boyfriend and your bud from associating because you’re afraid they still have feelings for each other, and don’t constantly seek reassurance that that’s not the case. Trust that your dude is with you because he likes you and you’re awesome, not because he’s biding his time until your friend takes him back.

Trust that your friend is happy you’ve found someone you dig, not plotting to sabotage your love. And don’t ever use jealousy or insecurity over their past relationship to excuse irrational or controlling behavior on your part. Of course, if your sweetie gives you a legitimate reason to believe he’s untrustworthy, get out of there stat, but if there’s really nothing wrong, don’t create problems where none exist.

Don’t pry into their relationship. It may be tempting ask your friend to analyze what happened between the two of them so that you can avoid making the same mistakes, but resist that urge. Likewise, don’t grill your boyfriend on what went wrong or insist that he account for his behavior throughout the entire time they dated. Their relationship is between them; it’s not your cautionary tale or your soap opera.

If they choose to share details with you, that’s fine — you don’t need to stick your fingers in your ears, unless an overt comparison is being made see No. Your relationship and theirs are separate things, and you don’t need to know anything they don’t care to tell you. Recognize that some exes really are off-limits.

It’s easier, of course, to have hard-line rules — “exes are never OK” versus “exes are totally fine” — but that’s not the world we live in. If someone seriously mistreated your friend we’re talking emotional or physical abuse, infidelity, lying, stealing, etc. This has nothing to do with some kind of Eternal Dibs situation, and everything to do with the fact that, by choosing to build a relationship with someone who treated her horribly, you’re telling your friend you don’t think what he did to her was all that bad.

Just walk away. There are lots of people out there who are just as good in bed and haven’t traumatized anyone you care about. Set the precedent that people who are awful to your friends are people who don’t get to see you naked, and your life will be the better because of it. Follow Lindsay on Twitter. Type keyword s to search. Today’s Top Stories. The Secrets of Celebrity Psychics.

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can survive. Here’s how to deal if your ex and friend start dating. In the passenger seat was my high school boyfriend. We had become. Your ex and “your friend” are the ones who should feel stupid, NOT YOU! if you are the one who starts dating your friend’s ex, PLEASE handle it this way. My ex-boyfriend and I just broke up yesterday, because of the girl that is now.

It just sort of happened. Walk away from someone who could end up being the love of your life, or put one of your friendships in jeopardy. In discussing this topic with my female friends, it seems to me that men are especially experienced in dealing with this dilemma. Say a friend of mine breaks up with so-and-so, and we run into her at a party. In some ways this is perfectly natural.

And really, what do I care?

She and I were soul sisters, spoke on the phone for hours, had sleepovers all the time. She was my rock.

When Is It OK To Date My Friend’s Ex?

Trying to find ways to deal with your friend dating your ex isn’t always easy. It’s even worse if you and your ex didn’t split on the best of terms. Many think of it as a betrayal. If you don’t want to lose your friend, you have to find ways to deal with your friend dating your ex. With a little work, it is possible to remain friends despite the ex being in the picture. One of the most straight forward ways to deal with your friend dating your ex is to simply ask her for respect.

You’re Not a Bad Person for Wanting to Date Your Friend’s Ex, But You Need to Do It Right

So, we heard. We’ve been there. Big sad face. The No-Games Guide to Love. Well, here, we walk you through the expert-approved, post-breakup program to go from flames to former-loves to friends again. Step 1: Get space. You need time to grieve the relationship and settle into single life again—a process that does not involve him. All texting, calling, G-chatting, final hookups and hangouts must cease.

In the passenger seat was my high school boyfriend. We had become infatuated with one another senior year, and we were now facing the inevitable relational shift:

It all comes down to how your friend feels about it. You were a good friend and kept your feelings to yourself for long enough.

7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend’s Ex

Breakups can be tough. Feelings of jealousy, self-consciousness, sadness, and anger are prevalent in such an emotionally-charged situation. Former Relationships. Learn more. There are 14 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. Method 1. Have a conversation with your friend about your feelings. Explain that you may be distant until you can fully get over your negative feelings. Hear out what they have to say before jumping to conclusions. Be honest with your friend.

I’m dating my best friend’s ex and she won’t speak to me

My best friend is now dating my ex-boyfriend. Needless to say, it’s weird. So in your opinion, what are the rules about dating exes? Does Gretchen Weiners have a point about the rules of feminism? I don’t think those are the rules of feminism so much as the rules of human decency.

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch — or several. I’m in a pickle. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been hanging out with a close friend’s ex-girlfriend, platonically, after we ran into each other at Starbucks. We have a real connection.

I seriously felt like I was going to go insane. Here was a woman who I thought was my good girlfriend. We had gotten together a few times and I had told her things—personal things about my ex and our relationship, why I was getting divorced, etc. I shared things with her and trusted her. Weeks later, I saw my ex leaving her house. It was like a stab in the heart.

Your ex broke up with you and left you heartbroken. And while you are still trying to understand what happened and pick up the shattered pieces of your life, your ex has started another relationship. However, you are still not convinced. Your ex seems happy and their new relationship seems to be going perfectly. And the thought of it just being a rebound relationship is very comforting. The first sign is quite obvious.

Whether or not you believe your situation is an exception, you should always talk to your friend before making any crucial decisions. Unless you value your relationship with a guy more than your friendship, respect that your friend may not be thrilled you want to start dating her ex. On the other hand, it may matter to your friend or even yourself, so tread carefully if that’s the path you’re choosing to take. Better yet, if she’s in another relationship and is seriously in love, it’s doubtful she’ll care too much if you want to date her ex. If this is the case, and your friend is still concerned, it’s best to stay away from the ex. Her hesitation is for a good reason. If you and your friend don’t regularly talk face-to-face, your dating habits may not get in the way of this friendship.

Dating My Friends Ex